In Between Wanting to Date Again and Not Feeling Ready to Date Again

Growing up, I spent a lot of time wanting to have a boyfriend and to be in love. A LOT of time. All I could think about was turning 16 so I could date. (My parents were sticklers about not letting me date before I turned 16.)

Well, I didn't date anyone until my senior year in high school. Then, in college, I dated more, but not a TON of it. I usually just had a lot of great guy friends to keep me happy, which in itself was a miracle, as I described in my last hub. (And which I secretly wanted more than anything.) But when I wasn't dating, I was usually dreaming of the perfect guy who would ask me out and do a number of things you see in chick flicks, like sing to me, find a creative way of sending me flowers in public, enter a dance contest with me, or whatever. And we would fall in love and that would be that. Haha, silly I know.

After awhile, I got tired of the whole romance/guy-scene. I just no longer cared about dating anymore. Too many of my friends were getting married and it hit me how soon that whole scene would come about for me too. I guess I finally decided I wanted to enjoy where I was in life when I was there.

Ironically, very shortly after, I met a guy in the summer of 2007 who I dated on and off for 2 months. In the end he was a complete user and pretentious jerk. The day before I dumped him, I met someone at work who was really sweet (with a sexy smile). He and I hit it off on the 4th of July and he even asked me out, but since I was still dating someone, I turned him down.

Though I dumped the other guy the next day (July 5), it wasn't BECAUSE of this other guy. It was because of an unforgivable thing he said to me BY TEXT MESSAGE! (Though I later forgave him.) The next day, I went on my first date with the 4th-of-July guy.

I dated that guy for over a year and am really glad that I did. He's the first guy I ever really fell in love with. It broke my heart to break up with him, but for various reasons, I knew it was the right thing to do.

However, in hindsight, I should have given it more time before jumping into what turned out to be a really serious relationship. I can't say I necessarily regret dating this guy, because I don't. But at the same time, it was incredibly stupid of me not to breathe a little after dumping Pretentious Jerk. Not to mention, it broke EVERY RULE I HAVE EVER HAD WITH DATING! I didn't get to know him, didn't find out if we had the same core values, and I didn't let myself just let things sink in after a horrible end to a relationship with the other guy.

I am VERY fortunate not to be in a gutter somewhere (lol) since I didn't know much about 4th-of-July guy AT ALL before jumping into any sort of relationship with him! (It's seriously a God-thing that he turned out to be such a respectful, nice, and talented guy.)

This realization, as well as the one where I need to be single for awhile, makes me THOROUGHLY enjoy being single again. It had been so long since I was and it honestly feels SOOO good!

I have been single for about 4 months now. And it's weird not to be constantly daydreaming about the next guy who comes along. Honestly, before May 2007, my favorite thing to think and talk about was romance and the like. I used to love thinking about what kind of guy I would someday date and marry. But now, whenever I start to linger on that sort of thinking, my mind wanders.

I think there are a lot of reasons for this. For one thing, I'm just not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. I mean, my last boyfriend and I were really in love with each other and we were together for 14 months. I figure I need AT LEAST half of that time to recuperate and let things sink in about that broken bond. I was "taken" for a long time, even before he came along so it's just nice to return to something I used to be an expert at: singleness. (In fact, at the end of our relationship, when things were really bad, I used to daydream about being single again! What a twist, huh?)

While dating my last boyfriend, I learned a lot about myself and some of it just wasn't pretty. I hurt him a lot, just as he hurt me. I mean, we had some beautiful moments and I never want to forget all the wonderful things he did for me, but I'd just as soon forget the bad things he and I did to each other.

You know how there are things you say and do to your family behind closed doors? Things you "know" you would never say or do to ANYONE else? I did a lot of those things to him. I honestly never thought my worst traits would come out the way they did with him. I was naive.

It seems sad that I wouldn't realize something so elementary before, but my worse side never came out BEFORE THEN with anyone else (outside my family), so I just figured it never WOULD in my case, even if it does to everyone else.

That's another reason why I am embracing my new season of singleness: it gives me the chance to change those negative traits of mine so the next guy doesn't have to suffer through it.

A couple weeks ago the dreamer inside of me woke up. I was hanging Christmas lights with "The Holiday" playing in the background. At the end, I started tearing up because of the storyline between Cameron Diaz and Jude Law. I realized that I actually do want to be in love again. Not to say I doubted this, but it was the first time in 4 months that I actually FELT it!

I still don't spend much time dreaming about romance or whatever, but there are moments when I really do go back to old habits and think about what kind of guy I want to be with someday.

I'm still not crazy about the concept of dating, to be honest, but the idea of getting to know someone on a friendship level FIRST before dating him appeals greatly to me. Maybe that makes me an old woman, but I'm okay with that because a lot of old women are wise, and that's been a missing ingredient in far too many relationships of mine (whether romantic or platonic).

So yeah, I'm a closet dreamer. I am. And that might mean that I want a guy who has a killer singing voice, find creative ways of giving me flowers, and who goes to salsa dancing clubs with me every Friday night, or maybe it doesn't, we'll see :)